Maybe I Just Need To Ask

I've always been a wimpy kid, always scared of strangers. Things got worse when i hit puberty, I couldn't talk normally to a girl, and a stranger striking up a conversation would make me anxious. If that stranger happened to be a cute girl, I would feel like I was suffocating.

With all that, you can probably guess that asking for things was out of the question. The fear was so overwhelming that i prefer doing everything myself rather than seeking help. To some extent, though, there are things that i couldn't handle alone.

Up till now, i got better with that anxiety but never completely got rid of it. I have no trouble talking to girl or stranger now, but still didn't have the courage to ask people for something. For example, i bought a camera recently to encourage myself to go out more. Yesterday, i went out for some street photo shooting and came across two strangers playing guitar on the bench in the park, i really wanted to ask them if i could take a photo of them playing so joyfully, but didn't have the courage to do that, i even assumed that they would agree but i didn't ask anyway. I don't know if my anxiety also grew to another level as i grew up, but now to think of it, it contributes a huge part to all the things that hold me back in life.

Sometimes, i couldn't even asking for something simple which doesn't affect anyone's benefit such as asking a stranger to pass a chilly sauce at the local food vendor. It freaks me out.

Writing this isn’t about venting or blaming anyone, i cannot even tell if that's my fault, maybe it's just a flawed coping mechanism since i was a kid. Now, i have to accept that's the reality and i have to do something to deal with it.