On Not Wanting To Exist
A couple of days ago, i asked myself what's the point of existing in this life. I was sick and lonely at the time and i didn't know any better than sitting at home and do literally nothing, didn't feel like hitting the gym or going out and take picture – nothing seems matter at all. Then all the negative questions came to my mind "what if... i was not to exist?", "what if... i was to die?"
Yesterday, on a depressed rainy day i took a day of at BJJ class because i was too tired to go and decided to go out and carry the camera with me. For the first few minutes, i felt like too scared to take out the camera and take picture because it would look weird, then i realized that it's actually a big deal that i give a fuck to what people think of me and care about that more than what i want to do with my life. Then, i took it slow but steady step, holding the camera in my hand and just take picture of whatever i wanted to take without caring about what people think of me. That was a relief because people would still notice but i slowly don't feel like being judged and annoyed by people looking at me anymore, because that's a part of life to stick to my business and do what i like. I realized that I'm not happy because i didn't have the gut to step out and do what i like, i didn't negotiate with myself enough to make the most out of it. The most important thing is that i have to do it everyday, till it become part of my conscious mind, the journey is long and i just took my first step yesterday, what am i gonna do today to continue another step to that journey?
