On Someone Leaving
I've been thinking about this. I gave myself time to heal, always thinking to myself that i need more time to find myself again. That's okay, i didn't give myself a specific time frame such such as after 1 month, you have to do this, then after 2 month you have to reach this point... I just let myself go, set a deadline of 6 months because it's a half of a year, if after a half of a year and i still haven't got myself out of it, then the problem is that i don't want to recover, i will have to find something else to cure me.
In that time period, i allow myself to let go of many things, even good habits such as going to sleep early. However, there are days i have the tendency to develop bad habits to sabotage myself. First, i started smoking, that's okay because i did the same thing in 2023 and then stopped, i've stopped smoking for a while but that's still something bad that i shouldn't do in the first place, then there are days i stopped going out and stopped working out for a couple of days.
Yesterday, i suddenly had a thought and asked myself why i still sabotaging myself, she left a long time ago but i'm still here doing bad habits just to kill the time. What's the real reason behind that, because till recently i told myself that i no longer feel sad, it's just the lonely feeling that i have no one by my side now. Then using the excuse that someone left so that i could avoid doing good things and keep doing bad things is stupid, they've got their life to deal with, me too. Now, it's just me dealing with my problem and not them anymore, it's my problem that i watch Youtube videos to kill the time and avoid the work, going to the coffee shop twice a day because i feel lonely, that has nothing to do with them. The last thing they did to me was saying goodbye a long time ago, using it as an excuse now is ridiculous.
