On Wasting Time

I've always heard people keep telling "Life is short", but how short is it? How could i tell if something is short if i don't have something to compare relatively? I ask this question not trying to sound smart but rather because I'm 26 and don't know how much time i have left.

After what happened in the end of 2024, i have carried this thought with me ever since - What if i was to die this month (or the other person was to die) this month? I don't remember when was the last time we see each other, because everything in the end was sour and bitter, then i no longer have a chance to even say goodbye for the last time.

Now, on wasting time. I cannot remember when was the last time that feel like a day is well spent. I'm not aiming for productivity or perfection, even i have always been that person who look for these things, what I'm looking for right now is just a day that my mind doesn't numb itself because existence is painful so it find a coping mechanism. After watching Instagram or some entertainment video on Youtube, my brain is dull and i cannot feel the sense of self - It's just blank and really hard to focus.

I'm improving, not getting the bombarding myself with the maximum level of dopamine by wasting more than 3 hours searching for soul crushing content on the internet like i had always done. But the current progress has to be pushed through, I'm considering this progress is too slow - I need some kind of fast lane for this, even though we cannot rush anything in life but we can be discipline enough so that we could squeeze out the velocity that went wasted.

Now i have another question on the table, is it because i have always had that little thought in my head that i must have my life figured out by the time i am 30 year old? I gotta be aware of that too because that's not my thought and what i truly believed in, but rather the peer pressure that everyone around me created and trying do it on time. If i could, i would rather want to have financial freedom and shit before 30, not because the 30 year old mark but because the sooner the better.

I will observe the pattern of my mind in the next few days to see when it want to go to Instagram or when my mind starting to be dull. One video turns to 10 minutes and eventually almost an hour wasted, that's what i have to aware of.

I made this post after a brain numbing day, i tried so hard to focus and think of anything so that i could write down but couldn't help. Now i'm writing this sentence 2 days later after reading it. Clearly the thought here was not expressed in an articulate fashion, that's how bad i numbed my lizard brain